Final Warning

Dear Neighbors at DimCasa,

I hope that you and yours are having a stellar holiday season.

I’m writing to tell you that I’m considering letting you go. I know it sucks getting fired during the holidays.   It happened to me once.   I also know that you mean well, and have tried hard over the years in your own way. This being said, I may reconsider and give you ONE MORE CHANCE.

When I hired you several years ago I chose the special package which included phone, computer, and cable TV. It was a DEAL for 59.95.   I’m no fool.  I knew that 59.95 was not going to be the actual bill.   You see, I’ve been around since Vision Cable was 9.50 a month, before most of you were born!   I knew there would be taxes and fees, and fees for fees, and taxes on fees … the usual.

But there are a couple things on my bill that puzzle me. For example, what is a Regional Sports Network fee for 2.00 a month?  I HATE sports.  I would rather have a sharp stick in the EYE than watch sports.   And what is a Broadcast TV fee?   I thought anything on the damned TV was broadcast!  It wouldn’t be ON if it weren’t broadcast.

People tell me I should drop my landline and just use my cell. But my landline seems to be the only thing that usually works, except for today. I toyed with dropping it, but you guys assured me that it is less expensive to go with a package deal rather than ala carte.  (That’s French for off the cart.)

We’ve had many, many nice conversations over the years. And I’ve been visited by some fine young techies as well. They are always polite when they tell me I should unplug the power source and plug it back in, then wait for all the little lights to come on across the modem.   This is how I get my Wi-Fi and Internet to work most of the time!  I crawl under my desk, unplug everything, wait, then plug everything back in.  Sure enough, it usually works!  The Wi-Fi is temperamental though.  When I unplug my laptop to bring it in to the living room so my friends and I can watch You Tubes of Donald Trump, (and laugh until we almost pee,) it doesn’t work.  We have to crowd around the plugged-in laptop back in my office where the litter box is in close proximity.  It’s just not worth it, even though I use a high-quality clumping litter.

On weekends I work overtime from home in order to pay my DimHouse bill. Unfortunately, after I log on to my remote computer and begin to work, I lose connection.  The prompt is very polite when it says it is trying 1 out of 20 times to connect, then 2 out of 20 times, then 3 out of 20 times.  You get the idea.

I am convinced that you are mocking me with the cable TV. There are only two or three channels I watch at the end of a long day before I nod off.   I like Bravo and sometimes Lifetime when it involves the Little Women of Anywhere or the Long Island Medium.  50% of the time I get a black screen with white words that say, “[my favorite channel here] is currently unavailable. Please retry later.” It never works later. But if I put on a show that I can’t stand, like Inside the NFL or Celebrity Wife Swap, it’s ALWAYS available.  It’s as if the cable knows what I want to watch, then takes it away from me, like Lucy snatching the football from Charlie Brown, leaving him flat on his back with nothing but trust issues.

The worst is the remote. Punch this, then this, then this, then that again, and then punch the power button. The TV light comes on, but not the cable light.  I punch again and the cable comes on, but the TV light goes off. This happens numerous times before I hurl it against the wall.

I have learned to “trick” the cable by punching the power button until the TV light comes on. I turn my back to the TV and point the remote at the window, on the opposite side of the room, while pretending to look at the stars or play with the cat. I mash the spongey little cable button, listen, and mash it again until I hear a click.   The cable light comes on, the TV light STAYS on, and there’s the news! It’s a wonderful feeling.

But then I punch in the numbers for Bravo. “We’re sorry. Bravo is currently unavailable. You must watch something you hate until you fall asleep. Also, we know how much you love Project Runway, so that station will be unavailable as well, but only on the night that it airs. Please try again later.”

My point is, dear DimCasa, you have 30 days to make things right so that all I have to do is start my computer anywhere in the house without crawling under the desk. I only have to push one button to fire up the TV, which will not have a picture like a jigsaw puzzle and will not tell me that my shows are unavailable.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask, given that the bill has quadrupled since I hired you.

Consider this your written warning.

~written by Deborah Klein, Safety Harbor resident blogger