Burning WHO?
By 
Throngs of pilgrims will make their way to the Black Rock Desert of Nevada the week of August 28th to participate in Burning Man 2016. They will wear goggles and tutus and little else as they swallow dust and trip the light fantastic for a week. No showers or amenities, just come as you are and bring plenty of sunscreen and deet, (or flatter, beg, and bribe someone with a large, luxurious RV.)
In San Francisco, goggles go on sale immediately after B.M. because there will be overflowing baskets of them in every store. The Thrift shops will be selling dirty bikes for cheap as well. Like Christmas sales, you can stock up for NEXT year. One can never have too many Aviator Goggles or dirty bikes, after all.
Burning Man is always an art-themed festival. This year’s theme is DaVinci’s Workshop. DaVinci, you may recall, was the dude who invented Steam Punk. Snails are a heavy theme this year too. Trained snails should buy you a comfy spot in that RV. But you better get on the stick because snails are a little slow on the learning curve.
The festival ends with the burning of a large wooden man and it’s a bitch to light him with matches in the wind, believe you me.
In the spirit of DaVinci, this year offers two additional innovative festivals to be held as alternatives to the dust and sun.
Burning IPad will be held on a large basket-ball court in upper West Harlem. (Space is limited.) The theme will be “Cyber Slip-Ups.” People will want to come donned in pocketed pant-suits and are encouraged to bring all tech devices such as IPads, cell phones, lap-tops, drones, etc. The pockets will hold the gadgets and allow freedom of movement for dancing to Jefferson Starship. There will also be a campfire refresher course on How to Send Classified Correspondence in an email. (It should ALWAYS be in the subject line to avoid the whoops factor.) The FBI will hold several workshops on how to synch your devices to avoid major feux pas. Julian Assange will appear on the last night as a 3D image in center court. The image will explode in a cloud of red, white, and blue glitter. Children are welcome.
Burning Hair will be just South of the Chicken Ranch in Nevada, right outside of Vegas. People are encouraged to wear highly tailored outfits from China. The theme is “Offend Everyone.” This will be a fun time, I hate to tell you. Also, there will be “face making” activities. People are encouraged to say offensive things in the spirit of not actually meaning any of it, then do really quick insincere smiles, kind of like secret handshakes only with the face. It will be a real hoot. Those who are proficient will punctuate comments with, “I hate to tell you.” “Third Person” characters will regale the throngs with punchy lines and funny sayings. For example, John Doe may rush up to you and say, “John Doe won’t tolerate any nonsense from you!” After which he will do a squinty, insincere smile that lasts a half a second. Ugly women are encouraged to attend one of the other festivals. Ugly men are welcome. In a spectacular ending, there will be a ceremonial bonfire into which blonde wigs and toupees will be tossed. A conga line will form and all will dance into Vegas to the nearest strip joint. The last one in line will kick Mexicans along the way.
Children are not encouraged to attend.
~written by Deborah Klein, Safety Harbor resident blogger
